Raaaaaawrrrrrr!

I want to know what dinosaurs were like. I think it would be really cool. Jurassic park was a great idea in that sense. I would totally pay a lot of money (like, more than it costs to go to the San Diego Zoo, which I'm assuming is pretty expensive) to go to a dinosaur zoo. I would especially love to see real dinosaurs because my only impressions of them have come from books and movies and museums, but I feel like they're never really the same--especially when there aren't any live specimens.

I tripped on a rock while I was walking on a rocky path but I did a graceful little stumble/leap to avoid falling on my face. I didn't even think about it; my body just did it itself. I was amazed. Somehow, through evolution or learning, my body has become so coordinated to do complex motions without me consciously telling my body to do so.

Wow. Ok, so those last two paragraphs were written several weeks ago and I never got around to finishing the post and publishing this so now I'm gonna finish this post and publish it. I'm writing in the present tense even though when you're reading this it's not going to correspond to the same time that I'm speaking of in the present tense right now. It'll be like, "Dang, man, I'm reading about what this guy is writing about right now, but right now is actually right then. Whoaaaaaaa..." Except it's less likely to be like that unless your brain is functioning at less than full capacity.

Here's a thought. Sex is an incredibly bizarre physical action which requires an devoted set of body parts for the single function of making babies (and excreting waste. What a weird combination of functions). Like, who would've thought that the best way of making babies would be to stick some bit of flesh into one of several ambiguously purposed holes in another persons body? This, evolutionarily, is beyond me. Let me write out a completely hypothetical and implausible scenario to demonstrate why this is strange.

Let's pretend we're the first animal with proper sex organs. Our parents were fish or something similar and we don't know what penises or vaginas are, let alone lungs and legs and arms and brains and who we are or where we came from and what's going on in the world. I would guess that we're kind of like fishy frogs or something like that. This probably isn't how sex began and those creatures don't have the same level of cognition or anything like that either, but this is totally implausible and I'm just writing this for my own amusement.

Sexually Reproducing Creature 1: "So here I am, walking along... Hum de dum dum... Buh doo bah doo wop, bah doo bee doo wop... WAIT HOLD THE PHONE--I'm walking? No way, man, this is like, totally revolutionary! Wow! This is so cool, I have to go show someone."

Sexually Reproducing Creature 2: "Hey yo, what's crackalackin?"

SRC 1: "Dude, you're never going to believe this. I'm walking. How cool is that?"

SRC 2: "Ummm, yeah. I do it too. It's not actually that special."

SRC 1: "Okay, whatever. I think it's pretty cool and you're not going to change that. What else is new?"

SRC 2: "Well technically speaking, walking isn't new either, so you should be asking, 'What's new?' instead of 'What else is new?' but I've been checking out what actually is new and I found this little extra bit of flesh hanging off me. Do you have any idea what it might be?"

SRC 1: "Ewww man. Is that a tumor? I feel like that can't be good for you."

SRC 2: "Naw, but it's pretty fun to play with. I don't know why but I really enjoy touching it?"

SRC 1: "So my aunt Gertrude had this tumor on her forehead, and it got so big that I started calling her aunt Unicorn."

SRC 2: "Look, I said it's not a tumor."

SRC 1: "How do you know?"

SRC 2: "Because it gets bigger when I touch it a lot. Have you ever seen a tumor that does that?"

SRC 3: "Heeeey boys. What's going on?"

SRC 1: "Ohhh, nothing. Just discussing this guys tumor. It gets bigger when you poke it a bunch, apparently. You wanna see?"

SRC 3: "Hahahaha that's awesome. Did I tell you that I had this friend who had this aunt with a tumor on her forehead..."

SRC 1: "That was me. I just told that story."

SRC 2: "I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT A TUMOR!"

SRC 1: "Yeah, whatever, mister I'm-so-cool-because-I-already-knew-what-walking-is. Prove it's not a tumor."

SRC 3: "Wait, you guys are walking? That's so cool!"

SRC 2: "You guys are so dumb. You know what? You can suck my tumor."

SRC 3: "I thought it wasn't a tumor."

SRC 2: "It's not. But for some reason I feel compelled to get you to suck it anyway."

SRC 3: "Eh, why not? There's gotta be a first for everything."

And that's how oral sex was invented.